Deep in My Feelings...

The two things I always wanted even as a little girl were to be married and to have at least six children. I was specific in my dream, desiring to marry the man of my dreams at age 18 and immediately start popping out babies. Many today would laugh at such a traditional mindset, but how could you blame me when what was taught to me was that marriage and children was the ultimate climax in life? In fact, it wasn't until I actually hit age 18 that I began to realize my dream didn't seem like much of a dream anymore. I had no idea who I was or what to do at that age, so why did I think getting married so young would be such a good idea? I don't know if I was delusional or just...ignorant. When I moved to New York City from my Tennessee small town that never changes, everything was new and fresh, in all the best and worst ways. I finally recognized the smell of weed and seeing random men pee on the sidewalk became the daily norm in this strange and exciting city. What wasn'...

 You worked 80 hours a week at times. Whenever you were home, you hid from everything and everyone. Maybe that's due to the fact that you've suffered from depression most of your life. A man with depression, an 80 hour work week at a mental hospital, and 11 children definitely has an excuse to hide away from it all when he can. As a child, I saw you as some sort of distant uncle or family friend, and I was scared of you. To be fair, you weren't at all scary; but because I never knew you, I was afraid. People fear what they don't know anything about.