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Yet, I Will Praise You

 Lord,

As I prepare for my first Doctor's visit, I feel anything but calm or excited. Only a tiny part of me feels any kind of positive feeling. Lord, I want to praise you and enjoy these moments of what should be happiness, but I'm having a hard time. I'm terrified that what happened last time will happen again. I don't want to lose another child, God. I'm begging you to let me have this one. God, please give me this child, healthy and full-term.

My appointment is December 2nd and I'll be at 10 weeks then. As I wait, I cannot breathe easy. I feel scared, upset, anxious, and I don't "feel" pregnant. All I can think about is getting the news that there isn't a growing baby, that my little one is gone before I can even hear a heartbeat. My heart doesn't feel full yet and I don't know if that's right or wrong. What I do know is that in spite of my human emotions, I don't have to despair wholeheartedly because you are God. You formed the last baby and you formed this one. My baby was alive because of you and now the little one is with you in heaven. Still, I mourn.

God, I cannot yet promise to feel calm. What I can do is praise you in the midst of it all. When I go to the doctor, if I hear those horrific words letting me know my baby is gone, right there I will pray and praise you for who you are. Through my tears and sorrow, I will thank you for giving me another life to love and for allowing Tze and I to be parents once more, even for a little while. If the news is the worst news, I will glorify you and praise you.

If it's good news, before I have that moment with Tze of celebration, I will pray and praise you! I will thank you through my tears of joy and acknowledge your greatness and mercy. My baby too will praise you inside of me. Tze will praise you. In that room, we will pray and hold each other and thank you for all you've done for us, we who have little faith. In the good and the bad, whether we feel happiness or sadness, yet we will praise you and thank you. May this life inside bring you glory, for as long as he/she lives! 

Until December 2, God, give me the strength to carry on. Give me the peace only you can give, peace that overtakes worry. Please allow me to enjoy this pregnancy, for as long as it lasts. I love you, Lord.

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