Help Me

 Dear God,

My heart is full of emotions and skepticism. I feel a whirlwind of emotions that I don't know how to work through. There is sadness, anxiety, worry, hope, excitement inside and I don't know how to validate the feelings while still trusting you all the same. I don't know how to be okay with feeling sad while joyfully trusting in your will. How do I do that, God?

I have tried to enjoy this pregnancy so far. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I haven't enjoyed the nausea and weariness that comes with the changes, but I have attempted to have an attitude of enjoyment in the moment, rather than missing the moment to worry about the future. On one hand, I find it amazing that I learned of the pregnancy during infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I'm tempted to believe that I had a purpose, to remind me of your goodness through and after heartache. 

Still, on the other hand, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the reality check, for the news from the doctor leading me down a familiar path. In my shallow heart is a dash of doubt and low expectation of what you can do. My husband is quick to remind me that you are the one who brings life into this world and your will must always be done. Why is my heart already aching then? Why can't I let go of this doubt and live in these moments with peace and patience?

I don't know what to do, but my first response is to ask you for help. Since I am not trusting you completely, show me in your word the nuggets of truth to help me place my heart in your hands. Carry me during this time of feeling like I am torn between the worry of a mother and a fully committed child of God. What do I need to do and how do I do it? It is hard to know of a clear decision and will I have relief and peace? Lord, all I can do is ask for your help and keep praying for your will to be done. What else can I do?

Help me, God. Help me. I pray that your will be done in this baby's life and in mine, but help me to keep praying that with confidence in you. Give me faith where I lack it and remind me of who you are in the midst of the unknown. I cannot trust you on my own; I need you, Lord. Help me to love and trust you. Show me your mercy and love and if it be your will, keep this little one healthy to the end. Amen.