Deep in My Feelings...

 Dear God, My heart is full of emotions and skepticism. I feel a whirlwind of emotions that I don't know how to work through. There is sadness, anxiety, worry, hope, excitement inside and I don't know how to validate the feelings while still trusting you all the same. I don't know how to be okay with feeling sad while joyfully trusting in your will. How do I do that, God? I have tried to enjoy this pregnancy so far. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I haven't enjoyed the nausea and weariness that comes with the changes, but I have attempted to have an attitude of enjoyment in the moment, rather than missing the moment to worry about the future. On one hand, I find it amazing that I learned of the pregnancy during infant and pregnancy loss awareness month. I'm tempted to believe that I had a purpose, to remind me of your goodness through and after heartache.  Still, on the other hand, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the reality check, for the news from...

 Lord, As I prepare for my first Doctor's visit, I feel anything but calm or excited. Only a tiny part of me feels any kind of positive feeling. Lord, I want to praise you and enjoy these moments of what should be happiness, but I'm having a hard time. I'm terrified that what happened last time will happen again. I don't want to lose another child, God. I'm begging you to let me have this one. God, please give me this child, healthy and full-term. My appointment is December 2nd and I'll be at 10 weeks then. As I wait, I cannot breathe easy. I feel scared, upset, anxious, and I don't "feel" pregnant. All I can think about is getting the news that there isn't a growing baby, that my little one is gone before I can even hear a heartbeat. My heart doesn't feel full yet and I don't know if that's right or wrong. What I do know is that in spite of my human emotions, I don't have to despair wholeheartedly because you are God. You forme...