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Hopeful Again

 God,

I am not only asking that you give me a baby, but I'm begging for this not to be a fluke. I'm late and I'm never late! My heart feels so much joy already, but I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Yet, shouldn't I be praying in faith and trusting this to be real because you are God? I feel the excitement at this possibility, but could this be a reality? Month after month, I've been reminded that I'm not pregnant and I have flashbacks to the miscarriage and start to feel hopeless. In my head, I know you gave Sarah a child when she was "unable" to have children. I know you can do anything, but the faithless part of my heart is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this to simply be a fluke. 

God, you know my heart. You know I'm longing for a baby. My prayer this time is not just for a baby, but for a healthy baby. I have faith that You can give me a child to love, care for, teach, and talk to about You. As I prayed before, in return, I will give this child back to You and submit my heart to You. You are the God who gives and takes away, so I know it's all in your hands. I cannot control the situation. You can. Lord, I beg, ask, challenge, and cry out for you to grant me my heart's desire. God, I'm so excited! I almost feel bad for even feeling that way because it isn't confirmed. But I am excited, hopeful, full of joy, elated, and anticipating the moment I know for sure!

Lord, if this isn't from you, take it away and make it known that it isn't real! If it is real, the first thing I will do is praise you and thank you! Before I tell Tze, I will praise you for your mercy and provision. Before I feel worry for the health of the baby, I will cry out to you in joy and thanksgiving. Just as Tze and I cried out to you the moment we found out we lost our little one, we will cry out to you again when we know we have another little one on the way. What once were tears of sorrow will now be tears of joy, not just at the news, but because of how great you are and how you've orchestrated our every step. 

Lord, I praise you even now, for leading Tze and me to Sunnyside and guiding us along our path. I thank you for your constant provision for us and for not only meeting our needs, but exceeding our needs. I praise you because you are God, the one and only. Even if I'm not pregnant, you are a good God and you will always take care of me. Whatever the past, I am hopeful again. Amen.

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