Deep in My Feelings...

 It's happened! It's real! I'm pregnant!!! I found out Thursday, October 21. My immediate reaction was excitement when I saw that "Yes" on the digital test I took this morning. I had told myself I'd wait to take the test, but I was too restless. Now that I know the truth, part of me can't believe it's happening. I have a baby inside me, a beautiful baby. I'm going to be a mother for the second time... Which scares me a bit. Following the emotion of excitement at the news was a feeling of fear, knowing there's always a chance I could lose this little one. It's happened before and it can happen again. Somehow it doesn't quite feel real, just like last time. So that has me worried. The most worrisome thing about it is knowing I have to wait a few weeks before I can even get the ultrasound to confirm a heartbeat and a healthy baby. I keep thinking I'll get there. facing the same Doctor who told me I lost the baby, and that I'll have...

 God, I am not only asking that you give me a baby, but I'm begging for this not to be a fluke. I'm late and I'm never late! My heart feels so much joy already, but I keep telling myself not to get my hopes up. Yet, shouldn't I be praying in faith and trusting this to be real because you are God? I feel the excitement at this possibility, but could this be a reality? Month after month, I've been reminded that I'm not pregnant and I have flashbacks to the miscarriage and start to feel hopeless. In my head, I know you gave Sarah a child when she was "unable" to have children. I know you can do anything, but the faithless part of my heart is waiting for the other shoe to drop, for this to simply be a fluke.  God, you know my heart. You know I'm longing for a baby. My prayer this time is not just for a baby, but for a healthy baby. I have faith that You can give me a child to love, care for, teach, and talk to about You. As I prayed before, in return, ...

 That stirring feeling you get as you’re walking towards a group of guys makes you quickly grab your phone, pretending to be deep in conversation because you’re expecting to hear “Nice ass” or “Smile, beautiful” as you walk by in your jeans and sweatshirt. The humiliation of knowing that after you walk past the man who tries to talk to you, his gaze follows you as you walk away and you know exactly what he’s looking at. There’s this kind of fear in knowing that at any moment, some guy who gives you the creeps can say or do whatever he wants to you and you can simply…take it. There’s no confidence that you can fight him, outrun him, or tell him off because you’d be unsuccessful. These are all feelings a man will never feel and never completely understand. How many times have you, man reading this, walked past a group of guys waiting to hear vulgar sexual comments about your body, no matter what you’re wearing? Have you felt a man’s eyes on your breasts or butt, even if you’re cove...

 I've all but checked out completely. My church is done with me, so I'm done with it too. 

The typical small town story of awkward boy meets shy girl They became the best of friends and he gave her the (small town) world Their love was simple and soothing, anything but tragic When he innocently grazed her hand, the middle-school feeling was magic Their story wasn't movie-worthy, but it was enough to always remember That his birthday is still on the 28th of December

 Lord, I feel as if something is happening. Whether it’s good or bad, I don’t know. But I can feel a change coming, God. I know Mosaic is yours, but are we fighting a losing battle here? We keep pushing and pushing, but we’re all sinking. There are only 5 of us left. Well, there are more, but as far as the faithful, only 5. We are all discouraged, weary, angry, sad, and stagnant. We need your help! Does the church need to close down? I’m having a hard time trusting you, to be honest. I know I should and I have absolutely no reason to doubt you. So I ask your forgiveness as I fall short in trusting you completely. In my own heart, I sense the church should close down and we should all go our separate ways. However, I’ve been wrong before and I’ll be wrong a million times before you’re ever wrong. Yet, in my faulty human flesh, I wish desperately to control everything! We all know that’s a bad thing. I ask that you forgive my shortcomings and give me the clarity and strength to tru...

 God, I want to go to Queens. That's where my heart is and has been for so long. I'm not asking you to give that to me because I want it, but I am praying that it's in your will for us. As we trudge through life here in Brooklyn, we know there is much to do here as well and we can't deny that. I ask and beg that you take care of Mosaic, even in our possible absence. I would love to move to Queens and serve the community there, but I know it's not up to me and if it were, I'd make a mess of things for sure. So lead us, Father. Whether it be Queens, another state, or heaven forbid, Brooklyn. Give my heart peace. Wherever you lead, I'll go.