Serving (Or Lack Thereof)

Because of what I did, I cannot do all the things I desire to do

Meanwhile, the alcoholic, the proud, and the wealth-seekers get to

I don't get to sing in front of the church because I can't "lead" before I'm ready

All the while, I get to watch the woman who's never invested lead me

I have to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone around me drown

Maybe it would be better for them if I wasn't even around

As I watch him make emotion-driven political statements 

I sit, hindered because of my sin, my heart filling with resentment

I am here, ready and willing to serve in all the ways I can

But I feel like everyone is holding me down, tying my hands

How long after David had repented did he have to "do time"?

When will I, the bad adultness, be finished with mine?

I know God is near to the broken-hearted and my heart is shattered

As if all I do or want to do in my church does not even matter

We have the experience, the drive, the passion, and the gifts

Yet, all they see is other people's opinions and the "what ifs"

What do I do while I wait to be accepted again by my church "family"?

I suppose I keep striving towards holiness and keep my spiritual life healthy

How can I be healthy if my own family rejects and denies me?

How can I be healthy when I am not serving?

I feel so betrayed by the ones who have seen my growth and restoration

I feel so bogged down by those I thought knew me; I want to give my resignation

She could have said "Anna has come a long way" and it would have been true

All she said was "Let's not rush"; that blow was out of the blue

I don't even want to finish writing this because I am so...sad

I've lost not just my pride, but any and all of the joy I had

Church family, I love you, but it'll be done if you see fit

I am angry, hurt, sad, confused, and quite frankly, I no longer give a shit