Deep in My Feelings...

  God, I know I’m in a state of “This is too good to be true”, but I’m praying it’s not. You know me. You know I love Sunnyside and that I’ve longed for Queens since I first visited. I know I get too emotional about things and I beg and complain, but I know I could thrive there. I want to give this to you because if I’m not careful, I’ll get too excited about the possibility and end up leaving you out of the decision. So I pray Lord, not just that you guide us, but that you open that door. We are seeking for an open door and we finally see a crack, but we aren’t sure if it’s from you or stemming from our human hearts. Help us discern your will as we pray through this until March. Tze and I have felt disconnected and stuck in the neighborhood of Crown Heights. Though we have seen your hand in many ways here, we have nonetheless felt like strangers in this area. With us unable to be in leadership, it makes it that much harder to feel as though we belong here. We have found oursel...

 A train, it passes in haste, the breeze grazing a lifeless soul Wisps of hair dance, but she is frozen, a single tear forming Not a blink or a start of the mouth, yet the train approaches in a blur She is unmoved, like a lonely tree whose roots are imprisoned and whose leaves only flutter   One, Two, many step aboard; they blush, giggle, dream, or in anger, cry if they desire Oh, where do they go? Who can tell? There are many paths, but no discernment She stands and observes until the last one runs in, hand longing to be over her heart Yet, her hand shakes with trying, but is straight, rigid, frozen nonetheless   They see her, but they do not see her, as they carry on without remorse Reasons are spouted out for her stillness, yet no arm is stretched out to her Her strands of hair wilt again, as the train passes her by Her eyes follow it ever so longingly and she feels like chasing it   As the train disappears into the unreachable, she s...

 I saw little Miranda and those chubby cheeks and perfect bow had me feeling all kinds of sad and happy at the same time. While I loved seeing my brand new niece in all her newborn attire, a part of me felt depressed and betrayed...again. I am not angry with God anymore, like I was for a little bit at first. I am, however, ready to try again and have a baby. So I sit and wait. I don't want to wait, but I have to. The miscarriage was in May and it's now September and I'm ready. I'm ready to hear those little cries and take my little one to the park and hold her tight. I'm ready, but is God going to give me this?

I love to look at my city, especially on a rainy day. Under the dark clouds and sometimes in them are buildings of various styles, ages, and shapes, though most are square. This is a place where everyone is different and yet, everyone fits in. Even if one doesn't fit in, they typically don't care, as they're busy worrying about getting to work on time and grabbing their daily dose of caffeine. Who has time to worry about popularity when you have to grab your coffee and hop on the train before you miss it? As I've said, most of the buildings here are square, yet so distinct from each other in their personalities and stances. As you walk past the Empire State Building, you can see the beautiful simplicity of it. It looks unassuming, but the tall spike on the top lets you know it demands height and attention, as it pulls you in with it's instantly recognizable appearance. There's a certain elegance to it that refuses to go unnoticed. Unlike the Empire State Buildin...

Because of what I did, I cannot do all the things I desire to do Meanwhile, the alcoholic, the proud, and the wealth-seekers get to I don't get to sing in front of the church because I can't "lead" before I'm ready All the while, I get to watch the woman who's never invested lead me I have to sit on the sidelines, watching everyone around me drown Maybe it would be better for them if I wasn't even around As I watch him make emotion-driven political statements  I sit, hindered because of my sin, my heart filling with resentment I am here, ready and willing to serve in all the ways I can But I feel like everyone is holding me down, tying my hands How long after David had repented did he have to "do time"? When will I, the bad adultness, be finished with mine? I know God is near to the broken-hearted and my heart is shattered As if all I do or want to do in my church does not even matter We have the experience, the drive, the passion, and the gifts ...