Deep in My Feelings...

I feel so disconnected, from even the ones I love and cherish the most I feel as though I'm a stranger, a black sheep, or a centrist ghost They are not careful about what they say or what they post And that's why I'm careful about what I say and what I post There's a wall between me and them, made of polarizing political views A wall made of patriotism, of Trump, and Red White and Blue hues Not that this wall is wicked; a wall is just a wall, after all But why does it have to be so determined to be so damn tall? In between the conspiracy theories that may or may not be true I get a peek through the wall, I get a much better view  Of a wandering heart, sometimes mine, sometimes theirs But no one's destroying the wall; that much has been declared How do I climb the wall all by myself, with no one left or right to help? I can hear supporting voices from a distance, but only if they yell I made it halfway up once, but I slipped on the vaccine and fell Now I lay flat on ...

 Am I anyone's friend really? Sometimes I think I'm close with someone, but then I may see a flicker of annoyance in their face when I act like my goofy self. I feel like I talk too much; well, I don't just feel it, I know it. Why do I have this uncontrollable trait of speaking without a filter or restriction? Maybe it's because I was ignored during my childhood. No one noticed me because I was shy and wasn't "cute" like my sister. So sometimes I feel like people tire of me easily. Is that just me? It's the same at work. Everyone loves this new guy Eryn, pompous as he is. They laugh at his jokes (if you can even call them jokes) and rave at his ideas. Admittedly, he does have great ideas. Still, why do I feel like my boss wants nothing to do with me? Why is he okay with Eryn working from home, but tells me I'm not allowed to? Why does he never ask about me? He forgot my birthday and even worse, when he finally remembered, there was no card or anyth...

  On February 14, 2020, I married my love at the Brooklyn Municipal Building in New York City. With a few of our close friends and church members, we waiting in the old courthouse, waiting for “our turn” to get married! It was a cold day, very cold. My outfit of choice (a floral dress) clearly reflected that I didn’t care about the weather. We were cold, but we were warm, because this was really happening. We waited for what seemed like years, only to be called and experience a ceremony so short that the flash could’ve missed it. One minute, we are shaking with nerves in the waiting area and the next, the officiant is saying “I now pronounce you…married.” And it was over. Truth be told, I didn’t mind the short duration; long weddings are overrated. As long as I was able to marry the man I love, it could have been 3 seconds and my joy wouldn’t have decreased. After the wedding, we and our friends hurriedly walked through the cold Brooklyn streets to find warmth and coffee. Starb...

 I've lived in New York City for over 3 years now and it's been a mixture of excitement and dread, as my days are filled with work, ministry, and watching "House" with Tze. In my 3 years here, I am only thoroughly familiar with 3 boroughs: Manhattan, Brooklyn, and the Bronx. The Bronx, my old friend, was my ministry stomping ground when I first moved here. It was the place where I served at the Church and I loved the family dynamic of the neighborhood and the fact that everyone seemed to know everyone. I miss Mary at the diner, remembering my sisters and my order. I miss Maria up to no good! I miss that little park, where all that life-giving ministry took place. The Bronx was my ministry, but Manhattan was my home. 

 I have a friend as beautiful as sunset and as sweet as the cake I ate last night I met her on those dirty stairs, between the 2nd and 3rd flight We chatted ever-so-casually, me being my usual weird self We talked and walked  to the kitchen as I grabbed scissors off the shelf Flashforward a couple of months, we're laughing until we cry Back when we used to watch scary movies in the middle of the night She had such a hysterical laugh, sounding like a whistling teapot We laughed, cried, and laughed again, and taught each other a lot Flashforward another couple of months, I have a new boyfriend She's acting a bit weird and jealous, feeling our friendship would end We start to fight, she starts to judge him, and soon we laugh less and less Between the passive-aggressive comments and the tears, this was a mess Flashforward to Valentine's Day, I come to her in an upset state and a hurt heart My boyfriend didn't get me anything, so she tears his character apart I regret going ...