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I Cry Out

 God,

I need you. I am scared, worried, confused, sad, disheartened, and alone. I am worried for the life that may or may not be inside of me. Please protect this little life. Please protect me. I cry out to you, Lord. In speaking, I don't know what to say, other than "help!" Now I cry as I type exactly what my heart feels. In this time of the unknown, you know me and you want to be known. Use this time in my life to reveal yourself to me, whether I receive good news at the doctor or the worst news. 

Protect Tze, as he will be affected by this situation. Help me to be a loving wife to him in spite of my feelings of darkness. I cannot think straight and I neglect him when I should be ever present. Give me the strength to tend to his needs, as he does mine. You love him, Lord. I know you do. You have brought him through the thick of it and further. In his loneliness and isolation, you have brought many into his life to shape him into the man you want him to be. So keep shaping him, God. 

I am terrified. Terrified to go to the bathroom and see red. Red is bad; it means a life is lost. I am scared to look down and see evidence of my fear. Only you can comfort me in this distress. I call out to you, not just for comfort, but for a miracle! Bring this baby into the world. I made you a promise that if you gave me a child, as I asked for many times, that I would give him back to you. I still want to honor that promise, but I am failing. Already, I can give this baby up to you to do what you wish. Yet, I am clinging ever tightly to the possibility of this loss, instead of lifting my hands to you in adoration and faith.

Give me the faith that is needed now. Give me the strength to carry on when I feel hopeless and depressed. Give me your peace in the midst of his horrendous feeling I have in my stomach. I don't pray that you take the pain away, I pray you give me peace in the midst of it. I pray you bring this baby into the world to live for you. I pray for a miracle only you can do.

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