As a child, and well into your teen years, you're told to make a list of everything you want in a husband. It's a silly idea, really, because it instills the concept of expecting a perfect person instead of simply pursuing someone you can grow old with, suffer with, laugh with, and serve with. I'm not against having high standards, and there are things I never compromised on. However, what high standards are we as girls told we should have? Tall, dark and handsome? Someone would will never cheat? A person who has the same sense of humor? A guy who will buy you flowers? None of those things are selfish to want, but having such standards is contrary to what we should yearn for, if we belong to Christ.
David had a wife, yet he cheated with Bathsheba. Did this make him unlovable? Not to God. Was he punished? Yes. Yet, even in what we would call a deal-breaker mistake, God redeemed him and loved him. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if we are supposed to be like Christ, then that means not expecting one to be perfect, but to forgive and love when they make a mistake they regret. Sure, we admire David for being a man after God's own heart, but if a man cheats on us, no matter his remorse and brokenness, we want to throw in the towel because he isn't worth our time and we deserve better. But do we?
Little girls are brainwashed by movies, books, and even their parents that love and the right man has to look a certain way. How often are girls told how to be a woman of God, whether with or without a man of any kind? Now, about someone buying you flowers,...do women not understand that not all men are the same? Why do we resort to expecting every man to meet criteria a, b, and c, but we get disappointed and angry when a man doesn't fit in the box we've created for him? Sure, I'm all for men making sacrifices for their wife, but does that mean women shouldn't have to make the same compromises. Maybe buying flowers isn't his comfort zone. Maybe his way of showing love is doing the dishes for you or giving you a massage. Yet, we've made up our minds that we want something specific, not necessarily flowers, and all the while we miss the loving gifts a man gives in his special way.
It took me a long time to understand my husband and I still don't. Let me be honest: He hates the cheesy gifts like chocolates and flowers, he's not as touchy as me, he doesn't give compliments often, he's not one for planning fancy dates, and he refuses to sing love songs to me. Looking at just these facts, it would be easy for me to hold a grudge against him, because I've been trained to expect those things from a man. What's not easy is forgetting the flowers and paying attention to the fact that he cooks for me without complaint, he cleans anytime I ask and sometimes without me asking, he holds me when I need comfort, he helps me through my problems, and he never gets overwhelmed by how emotional I can get. Those are all things I was never told to look for and I realize now that I should've looked for them all along.
As for humor, movies especially make it seem like humor is the most important thing in a relationship, so much so that we are quick to doubt a relationship if we don't have that in common. Well I'm here to tell you that sometimes you marry someone with a different sense of humor and guess what? It's okay and you can still laugh together! Laughter isn't the most important aspect of a relationship. In fact, I would argue that there is one truly important thing that none would think to list as a good and necessary thing and that is silence.
I'm sure you know how it feels to be trapped in awkward silence with someone; it isn't pretty. 10 seconds feels like 10 years and you feel your heart racing, your face getting hot, and the banging sound of too-silent of silence with another person. I know the feeling, but not with my husband. From the beginning, comfort in silence was our connection. It's a feat to be able to to talk about anything, but it's Everest to be completely at ease in silence with your significant other. That's a rare gift! Today's society is obsessed with talking and laughing, but never listening and silence. Can we make that normal?
At the end of the day, your SO "list" shouldn't be about looks, humor, or skills, but about character and compatibility. In fact, you should create a list for yourself, of everything you want to work on before you jump into a relationship. You may be surprised to learn that you can't expect to find a prince when you're okay with being a toad.
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