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New Job, What's This?

 Sometimes I feel like a failure. Those words are popular, but they aren't cheap. I work as an Executive Assistant and I'm completely unqualified for the position. I made it through high school with my mom lying about my grades and I never went to college, though some may count seminary as college; I don't. Yet, here I am, working for a nonprofit as the Executive Assistant for the President and I couldn't be more grateful and shocked. This was purely God! 

There are days, however, that this job feels more like a curse than a blessing. Today is one of those days. Yesterday was worse because I made a huge mistake; it didn't help that it was something I should have caught. I was determined that in spite of this failure, I would push myself harder in the future. That's what I tell myself failure after failure. I made peace with what I did and I came into work today confident that everything would be okay. Then my boss calls me in his office to tell me about all the little things I'm still missing, things I should know by now. 

Let me be clear: My boss is wonderful and always communicates well and is beyond gracious to me (I mean, he hired an unqualified person for the job). Still, it doesn't feel great to hear criticism of yourself, especially concerning things you shouldn't be missing. So I sat here, owning up to my shortcomings; that's all I could do. I simply said "Yes, I missed that. Yes, I should have asked you. No, I did not read the full email chain like I should have." The good news is that he cares enough to help me tweak these things. The bad news is that no matter how kind or gracious he is, I manage to take everything to heart and let it ruin my work ethic for the day instead of spur me on. I even cried in front of him today!! 

Yes, I cried in front of my boss. How embarrassing. It's like someone pulling your pants down in public; you and everyone around you are incredibly aware of how vulnerable you look and are. I tried to stop the tears, but this pregnancy said "YOU WILL CRY" and down came the tears. I quickly brushed them away and apologized for crying, to which he responded "I don't mind. It's okay! You'll get this; you just need a little fine-tuning." I need to be fired!! Obviously, I'm not progressing as quickly as I should be and it shows.

The hardest part is knowing that he does not want to tear me down, but I tear myself down nonetheless. Instead of seeing his pushing as a challenge to improve, I see it as a dig, salt on the womb. So I wallow in self-pity and I'm in a funk that lasts for at least the day. What can I do? How can I turn off my emotions and develop a thick skin? How can I prove myself to him and be worthy of the blessing given to me? I have to figure out a way to push past the insecurity and chase after ambition and hard work or I will keep falling. I have a new job, but I don't know what to do with it.

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