Deep in My Feelings...

As a child, and well into your teen years, you're told to make a list of everything you want in a husband. It's a silly idea, really, because it instills the concept of expecting a perfect person instead of simply pursuing someone you can grow old with, suffer with, laugh with, and serve with. I'm not against having high standards, and there are things I never compromised on. However, what high standards are we as girls told we should have? Tall, dark and handsome? Someone would will never cheat? A person who has the same sense of humor? A guy who will buy you flowers? None of those things are selfish to want, but having such standards is contrary to what we should yearn for, if we belong to Christ.  David had a wife, yet he cheated with Bathsheba. Did this make him unlovable? Not to God. Was he punished? Yes. Yet, even in what we would call a deal-breaker mistake, God redeemed him and loved him. I don't know about you, but I'm thinking that if we are supposed to be...

Your love is evergreen and gray and the darkest shade of blue Your love is average country home, but with an extraordinary view Your love is like the wind, ever moving me to and fro Your love is also the sunshine, giving me my glow Your love is not a romance novel, or an interrupted kiss It is more like the words "I'm proud of you" coming from your lips Your love is not always a rainbow, thought it is stunning It is the rain and the rainbow, making me who I'm becoming I wish that I could bottle your love and stick on a label I wish I could express how real it is, that it's not a whimsical fable Everyone seems to think they know how love should be But your love shatters their dreams, as you show yourself to me It's difficult to describe your love, even to myself It's a never-ending sea of comfort, leaving me compelled Why am I compelled? I am compelled to love you dearly I never want to lose you, not at all, not nearly I'm imaging the safest place, but ...

 Sometimes I feel like a failure. Those words are popular, but they aren't cheap. I work as an Executive Assistant and I'm completely unqualified for the position. I made it through high school with my mom lying about my grades and I never went to college, though some may count seminary as college; I don't. Yet, here I am, working for a nonprofit as the Executive Assistant for the President and I couldn't be more grateful and shocked. This was purely God!  There are days, however, that this job feels more like a curse than a blessing. Today is one of those days. Yesterday was worse because I made a huge mistake; it didn't help that it was something I should have caught. I was determined that in spite of this failure, I would push myself harder in the future. That's what I tell myself failure after failure. I made peace with what I did and I came into work today confident that everything would be okay. Then my boss calls me in his office to tell me about all the ...

 Well,...It's official: I'm pregnant! I waited until Sunday, April 11, 2021 to take my test. At 8:30 in the morning, I opened my eyes at the sound of my shrieking alarm and sat up all groggy and such. Then, I suddenly realized it was time; time to find out if I was going to be a mom or not. I quickly jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom, where I took not one, not two, but three pregnancy tests. I didn't have to wait long, since the digital test said "Yes" within a few seconds. Slowly after that, two pink lines began to form on the other tests and it was a reality,...that didn't feel real. It was hard to finish getting ready for church that morning, knowing my life would change forever, along with my body. I got dressed, woke up my husband, and acted like everything was normal. We went to church where I sat impatiently as the Pastor preached some sermon I don't remember. All I could think about was surprising Tze with the news when we got home. It was all...

 Tomorrow is the big day, the day of answers, the day of either relief or distress, the day I'll find out if I'm pregnant or not. I bought the test 4 days ago because I'm NEVER late, with the exception of maybe 3-4 times in my life. Even so, it's only ever a day or two. This time is different. I am now over a week late and nothing. I did something stupid. I went to Old Navy and bought a onesie. Then I decided I didn't like that onesie because it wasn't cute. So I went to Macy's and gasped at the fact that a tiny piece of clothing could cost $30. I quickly left.  I know I haven't taken the test yet, but I got a little carried away! My plan, if I'm actually pregnant, is to surprise my husband tomorrow with the onesie and a card, telling him the big news. I've been keeping this a secret for days because I want to be sure before I tell him. We've been wanting a baby for awhile, so this would be a dream come true,...if it's true. Part of me is...

I won't play the victim; I know I've committed my own crimes But you don't have to sit there, idle and watching me die I've told you my mistakes, my sins, and all my secrets Now that I see there's nothing here, I have my regrets I won't play the victim; I know I've hurt you before But I came when you needed me, rushing to your door In my human love, I forgot to just simply listen to you Now I sit all alone, remembering what I had with you I won't play the victim; I caused many of those fights We argued like sisters and neither of us were right Some friendships are worth the tears and the sweat Some friends move on to someone else and forget I broke down, telling you the darkest secret I had All in hopes that we would go back to what we had But I saw no tears or empathy in your eyes that day And I knew our friendship would never be the same If this is what I get for sharing, why did I at all? I would've kept silent if I knew you'd let me fall Here...

I've been wanting to be pregnant for the last year. I'm the perfect age, I'm married, in a semi-stable financial setup, and I have baby fever that won't let my mind rest. There have been a couple of what some may call "scares", though I saw them as flickers of hope that were soon stomped on by the foot of reality. Every time dear old Flow came to visit, I rolled my eyes in utter annoyance. Why must I get a monthly bloody reminder that I don't have what I want. It's bad enough that I'm not pregnant, but I have to pass by cute baby clothing because I don't have a baby to dress. Not that playing dress up with a baby is the best part of parenting; the clothes are just so cute and small! My heart skips a beat every time I see the classic white onesie or a frilly pink dress. Then I have to see moms pushing their children in strollers through the park, as if completely happy with their lives. I'm not ignorant to think parenting is easy or makes yo...

My love, my ever charming and endearing love, my heart is yours You are the one who opens all my windows, who opens all my doors My love, my peace-giving love, your kind hands are healing You are the one who enables me to expose myself and never thinks I'm too revealing You have not only my heart, but my grace and fight and tears You have my sorrows, my joys, my lonely nights, and my fears All of me you have, the better of me and the worst of me All of me you have, who I was, who I am, and who I will be  You do not kiss me with the 3 second kiss on the screen You kiss me instead with simple kindness, giving your soul to me You do not embrace me in the park, at the height of musical score You embrace me in the hallway, in the kitchen, and at the door Your words to me are never flowery or written by Shakespeare or Nicholas Sparks Sometimes your words are a look of "I love you" as you hold me in the dark You do not buy me chocolates that hurt your wallet or flowers that end ...